Sum of All Questionnaires

Why would you like to work for our company?
(Please remember to be honest and let your true personality shine free.)

Have you never been convicted of a felony in the last twelve years?
In the last any number of years?

If you weren’t quite full from lunch but you only had twelve minutes before the end of break, would you:
a)    Chance it and order a delicious cheese steak sandwich to go?
b)    Walk down a few blocks and snag a Slurpee from 7-11 as a sort of dessert?
c)    Say to yourself, “My sense of responsibility can only be overpowered by my loyalty to the company.  I should write an anonymous thank you letter to the manager for making sure we have comfortable chairs.”

Have you ever shaved in a public restroom?
Please, explain.

We are a company that likes to laugh.  Write down your best “a (blank) walks into a bar” joke.  Don’t make it offensive.  Don’t talk about minorities or women.  It’s ok to reference sex indirectly.  Don’t mention drugs.  Or political opinions.  Have fun.  Relax.  Write.  Down.  Your.  Answer.


Why were you fired from your last job?

A future version of yourself emerges from behind a sycamore tree on your first day of work as you walk up to the office.  Your future self says to you, “Hark!  If you choose to enter into this new occupation, be prepared to face violence, abuse and a morally ambiguous ending.”  How do you interpret this prophecy?

We will be filming you while you work.
Problem?  (Write “Y” for yes or “N” for no.)

Group praying at the work place is:
a)    The biblical definition of “progressive.”
b)    We don’t work on the Sabbath, maybe we oughtta think about this…
c)    Hallelujah!

Write something painfully self-deprecating.  A story about clogging the toilet on a first date or something like that.

No one has ever said, “a business is like a fat little pink man with no eyebrows who rides around town in the front seat of a taxi while reading contemporary erotic fiction.”
This isn’t so much a question as it is a meditation.

If someone from upper management approached you and said, “I’ll trade you a promotional favor for a sexual favor,” what would be the structure of your response?  (If you are a girl, please skip ahead three pages.  Before doing so, though, tear this page in half, starting from just below the previous question.)

What is it about women?

Isn’t the concept of “labor laws” kind of totalitarian?

The internet:
a)    Is a trip.
b)    I’ve never been?
c)    Belongs to those in ivory towers.
d)    Takes business away from libraries.

Thank you for your time, youthful worker person.


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