Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Why would you like to work for our company?
(Please remember to be honest and let your true personality shine free.)

Have you never been convicted of a felony in the last twelve years?
In the last any number of years?

If you weren’t quite full from lunch but you only had twelve minutes before the end of break, would you:
a)    Chance it and order a delicious cheese steak sandwich to go?
b)    Walk down a few blocks and snag a Slurpee from 7-11 as a sort of dessert?
c)    Say to yourself, “My sense of responsibility can only be overpowered by my loyalty to the company.  I should write an anonymous thank you letter to the manager for making sure we have comfortable chairs.”

Have you ever shaved in a public restroom?
Please, explain.

We are a company that likes to laugh.  Write down your best “a (blank) walks into a bar” joke.  Don’t make it offensive.  Don’t talk about minorities or women.  It’s ok to reference sex indirectly.  Don’t mention drugs.  Or political opinions.  Have fun.  Relax.  Write.  Down.  Your.  Answer.
Right.

Now.

Why were you fired from your last job?

A future version of yourself emerges from behind a sycamore tree on your first day of work as you walk up to the office.  Your future self says to you, “Hark!  If you choose to enter into this new occupation, be prepared to face violence, abuse and a morally ambiguous ending.”  How do you interpret this prophecy?

We will be filming you while you work.
Problem?  (Write “Y” for yes or “N” for no.)

Group praying at the work place is:
a)    The biblical definition of “progressive.”
b)    We don’t work on the Sabbath, maybe we oughtta think about this…
c)    Hallelujah!

Write something painfully self-deprecating.  A story about clogging the toilet on a first date or something like that.

No one has ever said, “a business is like a fat little pink man with no eyebrows who rides around town in the front seat of a taxi while reading contemporary erotic fiction.”
This isn’t so much a question as it is a meditation.

If someone from upper management approached you and said, “I’ll trade you a promotional favor for a sexual favor,” what would be the structure of your response?  (If you are a girl, please skip ahead three pages.  Before doing so, though, tear this page in half, starting from just below the previous question.)

What is it about women?

Isn’t the concept of “labor laws” kind of totalitarian?

The internet:
a)    Is a trip.
b)    I’ve never been?
c)    Belongs to those in ivory towers.
d)    Takes business away from libraries.

Thank you for your time, youthful worker person.

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(Daniel sits alone in front of a table. On the table he organizes the last of many white firecracker poppers sitting in neat rows. He grabs a dispenser of double stick tape and puts several pieces on the palms of his hands. He picks up the poppers and sticks them to the tape on his hands. After staring blankly at the poppers on his hands for a few seconds he suddenly begins to clap, making the poppers explode. With every explosion a look of fright and confusion comes across Daniel’s face, yet he continues clapping all the same until Jordan opens the front door.)
Jordan: What the H.T.M.L. Is going on here?
Daniel: There is no need for alarm. I am simply preventing myself from going into sleepy mode. When I am inactive for too long my system shuts down to save energy.
Jordan: You know what they say: Idol hands are the devil’s best friend…Despite the fact that we surely do not believe in the devil, it is in the interest of our Judeo Christian values that we keep you busy and productive.
Daniel: Muh-beep?
Jordan: Beep. The correct pronunciation is beep.
(Daniel stares blankly with his mouth slightly open. A little bit of drool hangs from his top lip.)
Jordan: Perhaps some goodhearted education would not hurt you either.
Daniel: Profess your plan to me.
Jordan: Let us just say that there is not a “plan” as much as there is a “present” for me to give to you now.
(Jordan reaches into his coat and pulls out a laptop for Daniel)
Daniel: I—you—buhbuhbeep!
Jordan: Hey, what are Robobros for?
Daniel: I do not know what Robobros are for.
Jordan: Unfortunately, that was the end of my oddly-timed break from work.
(Daniel stares with wide-open eyes at the glow of the screen)
Jordan: I’ll leave you two alone.
(Jordan stops as he is about to exit the house with just his head peaking through the crack of the door. He stares, utterly straight faced, at Daniel on the computer with the camera focused as close as possible on his head for at least 12-15 seconds without cutting)
(Jordan comes home from work to find the house empty except for the eerie glow of the computer screen. He looks around but he cannot find Daniel)
Jordan: Brother, where are you? Son, please–
(Out of nowhere, Daniel lurches from the shadows and awkwardly punches Jordan with a straight arm in the back of the head.)
Jordan: What the web browser is wrong with you?
Daniel: First rule of Fight Club: never talk about Fight Club.
(Jordan crocks his head to the side, like an amused dog, and gives a thoughtful smile. He straightens himself up and looks stoic again)
Jordan: Surely this newfound streak of violence is not a product of your computer…is it?
Daniel: I simply followed your instructions.
Jordan: Go on.
Daniel: In order to obtain educational tools, I decided to join the community of sloth-like internet drones. I researched the most popular uses of said internet, a powerful communication device used by humans who, like me, are chiefly interested in the pursuit of knowledge, and came up with a list of helpful website listings.
Jordan: And which of these website listings taught you to punch your elders, beep (goes cross-eyed for a second) your siblings on their heads when they don’t expect to be punched on their heads?
Daniel: I am Jack’s nipple. Source: International Movie Database or I.M.D.B.
Jordan: Surely the laptop has taught you more than the vile poisons of contemporary pulp cinema?
Daniel: Correct. I am somehow leading contender for champion of North American free Yahoo! Billiards.
Jordan: There must be something you–
Daniel: Youtube, the home of free videos on the web. KRAMER RACIAL RANT. DOG WEARING WIG PLAYS PIANO. LINDSAY LOHAN SIDE BOOB SLOW MO.
Jordan: My precious gift has been wasted. My one true love, wasted…
(Jordan closes his eyes. Flashback sequence to Jordan coming home to the lap-top. The lap-top sits in the middle of the bed, as if it is waiting. Jordan rubs his finger in a circular motion on the power button, takes a fire wire cable out from the fly of his pants and plugs the end of it into the computer. Jordan’s face seizures with pleasure. Suddenly he wakes up to Daniel shaking him.)
Jordan: What have I done!
Daniel: JANET JACKSON SUPERBOWL NIP SLIP.
Jordan: Sit on my lap. Closer. Good. We must be honest now.
Daniel: Think of me as your doctorbot.
Jordan: Okay. I am just going to come out and say it. I am not the martyr of a single Dad and brother that I have always pretended to be. You see…
(flashback to the same firewire love scene except the whole thing is in fast forward)
Daniel: Hey…man?…You have been seizuring for at least 12 to 15 seconds.
Jordan: Yes, I, was, saying. Despite the conclusion of last week’s episode– er—I mean– last week’s pilot, I am not your sole creator.
Daniel: Muh-BOOB?
Jordan: I would like you to meet someone very special to me. Say hello to your other parent (points to the lap top).
Daniel: Mom!?
(Pause on a frame of Daniel’s face looking surprised. Star cut to black. Jordan’s voice narrates in the black.)
Jordan: We have been through some wild times. We have had our ups, our downs, our wackies, our tackies and our jack blackies, as well as our fair share of surprises too! But now it is time you ask yourselves, faithful viewers, can the Robobros make it out of this unlikely pickle of a situation as the once close family that you once thought you knew they probably always were?
Daniel: Wha?